GenImagination
Ideas Galore
Seattle - Part 1
Billy Murphy: "Hi…Billy Murphy coming at ya from Seattle, Washington. Our Motto here is “where the w33d is sticky and the girls are frisky.” Today is a special Around the Horn, all our guests are named Woody. I’d first like to welcome Woody Harrelson."
Woody Harrelson: “What it dooski baby”
Woddy Paige: “Hi ho hi ho off to work we go.”
Billy Murphy: "Tiger Woods is our 3rd guest"
Tiger Woods: "Do any girls out there like wood?”
Billy Murphy: "And last but not least we have Woody Allen..Woody is a bit old so bear with us tonight folks."
Woody Allen: “I may be old, but I still LOVE to dance.”
Billy Murphy: "Okkkkkk..allright guys first roundtable question..how do you feel about the Warriors and Lakers game last night? Kobe went off!!"
Woody Paige: "Kobe had a rough first half but something magical came over him."
Tiger Woods: "Did you see him at the press conference…that was emotional. I am now a member of the Kobe fan club after that one."
Woody Allen: "That was moving.. but not as moving as that 13 yr old kid Henry. He was like a guardian angel."
Woody Harrelson: "I can’t wait for the finals after that performance. Billy..that was THE comeback performance of the year. Kobe deserves an ESPY for that."
Billy Murphy: "Thanks for the opinions guy.. now onto the next question..we are getting many fan emails from females around America asking us how big your wood is.. so let’s get to the point how big is your WOOD?"
Woody Paige: "I am hovering around 5 inches."
Tiger Woods: "Have you seen me drive a golf ball? ‘Nuff said."
Woody Harrelson: "To be honest.. I have a chode. Girls love it though."
Woody Allen: Limp or hard?"
Billy Murphy: "Hard you old ****..girls don’t give a **** about your flaccid penis.
Woody Allen: "In that case..I am around 4.6 inches fully erect. Quality over quantity though ladies!!!"
Billy Murphy (Laughing): "Well thanks for the answers guy.. now girls know what you’re really packing. On that note we are going to call it a show for the night. Goodnight and good luck. 2 fingers in the air like a playa… PEACE!"
** END SCENE **
The next scene starts off with a ceiling camera hovering over two men having a dinner at Planet Hollywood. The 2 men are Newman (in his mail uniform) and Jay Mariotti. All the sudden we watch 2 dragonflies have sex on the wall by these two guys. The male busts a nut then kicks the girl out..he pulls out a microphone from his antenna. We can now hear what Newman and Mariotti are saying.
Newman: “My boys are the best around. They will get the job done right."
Jay: “I sure hope so. I want to get my spot back on Around the Horn immediately."
Newman: “Don’t worry my friend.. the hand of Newman runs deep."
Jay: “Thank you Newman. K.I.T. Thats keep in touch if you’re a newb."
Newman: “It has been my pleasure Jay.”
** END SCENE **
The next scene picks up where we left off earlier. The Woody’s and Billy Murphy are having a conversation.
Billy: "Hey guys.. me, Kelsey Grammar, and some other people are hitting the Hommy Hanch to golf tomorrow. You guys down?"
In unison: "Hommy Hanch? Let’s do the damn thing!!"
They make a pact that tomorrow and create a secret handshake to seal the deal.
As the 4 Woody’s come out they hear a loud Hummer coming down the street.. it’s a bright yellow Hummer with 24’s on it. The Hummer jumps the curb and runs over the 4 Woody’s..they all get killed on the spot except for Woody Harrelson. He is left there to suffer with broken Achilles tendons. He can’t move. Billy Murphy misses the whole thing as he outside in the poolhouse smoking a joint, he passed out quickly.
The area is in a remote part of town in Seattle so no one comes for hours. The 3 sit there dead while Harrelson cries for pain. He said “If there is a God please help me.” All the sudden a sewer opens..it’s Rapheal from the Ninja Turtles. He comes up to Woody asking him what is he doing in his neighborhood. Here’s how the conversation went down:
Rapheal: "Excuse me.. who the hell are you?"
Woody Harrelson: "What do you mean? I’m sitting here dieing.. who the hell cares? Help me."
Rapheal: "Oh no I am the only one who stirs up gang violence in these hoods."
(Rapheal pulls out 10 bottles of mustard)
Rapheal: "You’re about to get mustard gassed Holmes."
Woody Harrelson (screaming): "Mustard gas!!! WTF!!!"
Rapheal then starts squirting mustard all over and eventually suffocates Harrelson. All 4 members are now dead and Billy Murphy is still passed out.
Jim Ross and Jerry “the King” Lawler appear out of nowhere with an announcers table.
Jim Ross: “ARE THE VIETCONG AND THE NINJA TURTLES IN CAHOOTS??!?!?!”
Jerry Lawlor: "I’m just happy to be in Seattle."
Jim Ross: “Ohh my god…this is going to be a real barn burner.”
** END SCENE **
It is now around 6 AM the next morning when the local media tries to piece the story together. Why are 4 Woody’s laying there dead? 3 got ran over by a car and 1 mustard gassed. Who would do such a thing?
The local authorities believe this is too much to handle and they call in the Intel Agency of America. The I.A.A. for short. They send an agent by the name of Agent Fritter to lead the investigation.
First thing he does is kick the door in at Murphy’s poolhouse.
Agent Fritter: "Are you Billy Murphy?"
Billy Murphy: "Yea…"
Agent Fritter: "4 Woody’s have been killed on your front sidewalk. Do you know about this?"
Billy Murphy (crying): "We were suppose to go to Hommy Hanch today…is this a joke?"
Agent Fritter: "No joke Murphy..I can read people and I see you are sincere. I will focus my investigation elsewhere. If you have any leads my Twitter is MiataMan22."
Billy Murphy: "Thank you.. I will assist you in any way! Whoever killed the Woody’s deserve to be hung in the gallows!"
Fritter takes a big stand and tapes off a 10 block radius. Local media is banned from coming here. He believes the guys getting run over is a standard gang initation..but he wonders about the mustard. He has a hunch that a human did not do that.
2 days later Fritter plants a real dead body in the same general area of Seattle waiting to catch the bait. He watches over surveillance from Murphy’s game room in the front room. While playing Sim City 3000 something catches Fritters eye outside the window. It’s a green looking man turtle. He radios his team of 10 Men to converge on the area and take him in.
The men give the turtle a little time to incriminate himself. He pulls out one bottle of mustard and boom that’s all they need. They shoot a beanbag and take the turtle in. We see the turtle get thrown in a white unmarked van and whisked away to a distant location.
** END SCENE **
It’s a dark interrogating room in an undisclosed location. It looks like a waterboarding chamber. The characters in this scene are Agent Fritter and Rapheal. We do not see what happened before but we get a glimpse of some of the dialogue.
Agent Fritter: "I Saidddddd. WHO DO YOU WORK FOR?"
Rapheal: "Chnope."
(Dunks his head in water)
Agent Fritter: "Allright you green basterd.. do you want to be brought up on war crimes for using mustard gas? I suggest you speak up."
Rapheal: "Chnope."
(Dunks his head in water)
Agent Fritter: One more chance till I used some real enhanced techniques.. WHO DO YOU WORK FOR?
(Fritter exposes his dingleberries and makes Rapheal touch them)
Rapheal: "Okkkkk stop!!!!! I’ll tell you."
Agent Fritter: "Dingle me this..dingle me that..dingle me the truth right now."
Rapheal: "I work for Master Spincter..we live in the sewer and watch Anime all day. He taught me martial arts but not how to kill. I got bored with my life and wanted to make a name for myself. I know inventing mustard gas was bad for the world.. but at least I have left my mark on the world."
Agent Fritter: "Wow.. so what about the car running over those men? What do you know about that?"
Rapheal: "To be honest.. I have been in a gang war with a bunch of Asians lately. They answer to a man by the name of “VC Lord.” It could be connected."
Agent Fritter: "Are these Chinamen? Japs? Cambodians?"
Rapheal: "I am just a turtle.. I can not tell. I have given you all the information I have sir.. please release me."
Agent Fritter: "Thank you..and sorry about those interrogation techniques. That one was just approved recently by my agency."
Rapheal: "No worries…and be careful. These guys do not **** around."
** END SCENE **
The ending scene shows exactly what every character that was involved in this story is doing at this very time…a sad song plays in the background. (It’s about a 10 to 15 second clip for each character)
First we show the wives of the 4 Woodies grieving and having a tough time.
Second is Jay Mariotti having an argument with his wife.
Third is Jim Ross and Jerry the King meeting the Starbucks CEO at the Mariners Stadium.
Fourth is Rapheal watching Manga with Master Spincter.
Fifth is Billy Murphy smoking a bong and playing Madden.
Sixth are the dragonflies living a happy life.
Seventh is Newman with 3 Asian women watching soap operas.
Eighth is 10 Vietcong on scraper bikes driving around Seattle.
Ninth is Agent Fritter searching the IAA database for the VC Lord.. he finds his man.. The VC Lord is Newman. Hometown: New York, New York.. Current town: Seattle, Washington.
Agent Fritter then calls a meeting in a briefing room with his 10 men. He explains to them the severity of this situation and who they are gunning for. The ending scene is Fritter leaving his men with some final thoughts.. he says “Gentleman.. LET'S LOCK AND LOAD!!!!!!!!’
The 10 men all started getting juiced and the song “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” starts blastttttting as they gather up their gear for a raid.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Seattle - Part 2
The screen starts showing clips from yesterday’s Around the Horn when the 4 Woodies were laughing it up talking about their “wood” size. The song “I Will Remember You” plays in the background.*
The tribute only shows for about 30 seconds then all the sudden the live feed gets taken over by what appears to be a terrorist organization.
It’s Newman in his mail suit wearing a towel to hide his face.
Newman: “Hello Seattle.. I know a lot of you had a sleepless night due to the murder of 4 American heroes but I come to you seeking peace. There is a rogue agency on the loose in your city that is coming after me. I will not name any names, but I know you are watching this. This is a plea to you..cut back on the search for me and my minions or else I will mustard gas this whole city."
(Camera zooms in on giant bottles of mustard. The name of the mustard is “Goo Egg Roll.)
Newman: “To the man leading the search against me..you know who I am..I know who you are…if we come face to face I will dispose of you. "
** END SCENE **
President Barack Obama is playing basketball when his top advisor comes over to tell him what just happened.
Advisor: “MR PRESIDENT!! MR PRESIDENT!! A terrorist organization just took over the live feed of Around the Horn to send a message to the American people."
Barack Obama: "Man I love Around the Horn…how could someone interrupt that?"
Advisor: “That’s not the point! You must make a speech in the next 30 minutes or you will be seen as a soft President."
Barack Obama: "Ok..I have to seek advice from an old pro on this. Give me 10 minutes."
** END SCENE **
Barack Obama gets on his Blackberry and places a call to someone named “National Security Specialist.”
Barack Obama: “Cooch? It’s Barack. I need you.”
George W. Cooch: "Brock Lesnar? I hear you fight Shane Carwin soon, I’ll be watching from my Crawford Ranch."
Barack Obama: "No, this is Barack Obama. We’re in a national security crisis. A man in Seattle has issued a terrorist threat to mustard gas all of Seattle."
George W. Cooch: "Ohhh.. I see…well do you have Fritter on the job?"
Barack Obama: "Fritter? Who’s Fritter? Is he like Magellan?"
George W. Cooch: "You’re President and you don’t know Agent Fritter?"
Barack Obama: "I never heard of him."
George W. Cooch: "Fritter’s the best you got…chances are he is already dispatched to this problem and has a solution already. I advise you to stay out of it and have your speechwriter write you some bull**** speech."
Barack Obama: "But President Cooch… this is my time to shine. I want to be seen as tough on national security."
George W. Cooch: "Don’t force the issue Barack. Let the big boys take care of business and then take credit for it. Works every time."
Barack Obama: "Thank you Cooch..check out CNN in a couple minutes you will see me."
George W. Cooch: "No problem Barry."
Barack hangs up and goes to his advisor to let him know he is ready to speak. He tells him the theme of the speech and his speechwriter pumps out a quick speech for Obama to address the media.
** END SCENE **
Barack Obama walks out in an all black suit to address the media outside the gym he was playing at. The White House Press Corps is all there ready to ask questions.
Barack Obama: “Welcome everyone. As some of you know we lost 4 American legends yesterday in what appears to be a terrorist attack. We have credible intelligence that this organization is stronger and faster than Al Qaeda. I will say this once and only once.. I AM USING EVERY RESOURCE IN MY CAPABILITY TO ENSURE THE NATIONAL SECURITY OF AMERICA. I will not sleep until we find this organization and eradicate it. Thank you.”
The media starts freaking out and asking questions all at once. Barack tells them no questions and storms off in a blacked out Tahoe.
** END SCENE **
Agent Fritter is driving the SWAT van with the 10 men in the back locked and loaded. On the TV Fritter is enjoying the tribute to the Woodies when the Newman video takes over. Fritter stops the car immediately on a side street. He is very shocked.
Agent Fritter: “Men.. check this out.”
The men look on watching the video. One yells out.
IAA Grunt: “Let’s go knock some heads!!!!!!!’
Agent Fritter: “Deep down I have that mentality too, but I have a strong feeling this Newman does not play this game straight. Rapheal warned me about him and that makes me hesistant in going at this with guns blazing, bullets flying, Asians dieing. We will treat this as a diplomatic mission."
Another IAA Grunt: “Sir..what about Newman? How do you plan to get him?
Agent Fritter: “That is a personal vendetta I will handle myself. You guys keep the eyes on your prize, Newman is MY prize.
** END SCENE **
It is now time for the IAA to apprehend the Vietcong whom they believe are behind the Woody Murders. They know the block that they call home. It’s called Little Saigon Lane. They are under strict orders to not shoot unless fired at.
Fritter’s driving and parks the SWAT van about 1 mile away.
Agent Fritter: “Allright fellas…this is what we train our whole lives for. Our number one goal right now is to intimidate. Once they see the weaponry we possess they will immediately surrender."
A grunt chimes in..
Grunt: “If they don’t surrender we light em up!!!"
Agent Fritter: "Ya damn right..but it will not come to that. I been doing this my entire life." The Vietcong may be sneaky but they’re smart."
Agent Fritter stays in the middle of the 10 men.. he starts yelling “WHAT TIME IS IT???? WHAT TIME IS IT??? GAME TIME HUHHHHHHHHH”
The men get in formation led by Fritter to begin their raid. All the sudden on a nearby 3 story building the Green Ranger comes out of nowhere.
Green Ranger: “I call upon the power of the Dragonzord.”
The Dragonzord comes out from the Seattle Harbor. Fritter is stunned. Nowhere in his intelligence did it say that the Power Rangers lived in Seattle.
Agent Fritter: “Men.. you are going to have to do your mission without me. I have faith in you. The goal is to apprehend and arrest the 10 men we talked about. And one more thing leave Newman for me."
Fritter goes back to the SWAT van and puts a tube in his *******. He grows to the size of the Dragonzord. Fritter goes on the offensive from the start. He spears the Dragonzord and starts grounding and pounding him. The Dragonzord is too powerful for him and throws off Fritter. They have a 10 second staredown.
Agent Fritter: “I don’t know who you work for, but I have no choice but to take you down.”
Dragonzord: “I AM IMMORTAL!!!”
That really ticks Fritter off and he goes back to the SWAT van. He has a remote control still in his pocket and uses it that to summon a FAMAS assault rifle. The FAMAS gets enlarged somehow and Fritter points it at Dragonzord.
Agent Fritter: “Put your hands where I can see them or I end your life”
Dragonzord: “That gun can not phase me…Zordon can’t phase me…no one can!!!”
Dragonzord has that look like he is going to charge Fritter. Fritter pulls the Famas up…shoots a 3 burst round..the bullets go in slow motion like Max Payne…DINK!! right between the eyes. The Dragonzord drops over.
Agent Fritter: “Immortal my ass, just another jackass in the way of Agent Fritter.”
Fritter (still monster size) sees his men have the Vietcong all handcuffed. He is very pleased and yells at his men.
Agent Fritter: “Great work men…now can someone take a picture of me right now.”
One of the grunts pulls out a camera and shows Fritter bending over giving the thumbs up by the fallen Dragonzord. The Green Ranger is nowhere in sight.
** END SCENE **
Agent Fritter is back to normal size and meets up with his men. He acknowledges their great work again and orders them to bring the VC down to the holding cells. The men do not want to leave him alone as they know what kind of man Fritter is.
Grunt: “Do you really want to go at Newman alone?”
Agent Fritter: “Do I have any other choice?”
Grunt: “We can come with you to wreck shop.”
Agent Fritter: “Assistance will not be needed, but thanks for the offer. To complete your mission you must bring them to the holding cells. Lieutenant Cambridge..I give you the keys to the SWAT mobile.
All the men shake Fritters hand and wish him luck.
** END SCENE **
Newman’s house is at the end of the block on a top of a hill. Fritter knows Newman is alone, so it’s going to be a duel. We follow Fritter on the journey to the house… a lot of thoughts are racing through his head. He gets to the base of the driveway and prays to God.
The scene fast forwards to Fritter opening Newman’s upstairs office door. Newman is sitting there wearing no mask now and still in his mail suit.
Newman: "I’ve been expecting you."
Agent Fritter: "Screw you, I am here for one thing and one thing only."
Newman: "Not so fast Fritter…there’s many things you need to know before you act."
Agent Fritter: "All I know is that I hate you and your terrorist scum."
Newman: "Hold on one moment.. I want you to take a look at the TV for a minute."
Newman turns on the TV, Fox News has a Fox News Alert.
“8 Dead in Seattle including the Mayor after shootout. Police are chasing the suspect right now.”
A reporter gets on and says…
Fox News Reporter: “A woman in a Yellow Hummer pulled up in front of a local coffee shop where the Mayor and many other citizens were enjoying coffee. A large turret came from the sunroof and just started unloading hundreds of rounds. The mayor was sitting by the window and was killed along with 7 others. The police are now chasing the Yellow Hummer on the Interstate. Let’s take a look in.”
From a helicopter camera we see about 15-20 police cars with lights on chasing this Hummer at speeds of 80-100 MPH. The Hummer Is heading toward the Seattle Harbor. It looks like the Hummer has nowhere to go and stops at the base of a dock. The police hop out of the car…
Cop (on the megaphone): "GET OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP…DON’T MAKE ANY SUDDEN MOVEMENTS."
The Hummer puts it in drive and goes full speed into the water. It appears she has committed suicide. Newman turns off the TV.
Newman: "The hand of Newman runs deep. I hope you now appreciate my power."
Agent Fritter: "You’re a no good fat mailman."
Newman: "Ohh.. you think you’re better than me? Why is that? You have a big gun and a big title? I created power on my own and did not have to use the government to gain my prestige. In reality, I own you."
Agent Fritter: "You wish you could pull off half the things have."
Newman: "Oh really?"
The phone rings and Newman picks it up and puts it on speakerphone and a woman is speaking.
Woman: "Hey Baby…I made it there safely. Hope to see you soon."
Newman: "Were you scared when those police were cars were after you?"
Woman: "No way, when you have a perfect plan you have a perfect result. "
Newman: "So true…can I have the secret code now?"
Woman: "2010."
Newman: "See you soon.. (ends convo)now Fritter do you see how powerful I am?"
Agent Fritter: "You won’t be seeing anyone soon because I am taking you in to my interrogation chamber."
Newman: "See that’s where you’re wrong my friend…the intelligence you got about me was shotty. I bet you didn’t see the Green Ranger coming and I bet you don’t know about Gilgamesh."
Agent Fritter: "Who the **** is Gilgamesh?"
Newman: "I’ll introduce you to him."
Newman goes underneath his desk where he has a caged animal down there. He opens the cage and a mini Mountain Lion comes out and jumps on Fritter. As Fritter is wrestling with the mountain lion Newman goes on his computer and opens up an application named “Secret Code.” Newman types in the secret code of 2010 and a massive hot air balloon comes out of nowhere from under him and Newman breaks through the roof. As Fritter is STILL wrestling Gilgamesh, Newman is being whisked away in the wind in the hot air balloon. All Fritter can hear is Newman saying:
Newman: “SO LONGGGG RUDE BOYYYYY”
The song “We’re Going to See Who Runs This Town” by Jay-Z starts playing as Fritter is still having trouble.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Seattle - Part 3
Agent Fritter: “Cambridge I need you to swoop me.”
Lt. Cambridge: “Did you get Newman?”
Agent Fritter: “Not exactly, but I have a good idea of where he is going.”
Lt. Cambridge: “What happened?”
Agent Fritter: “One word…Gilgamesh…but I can’t talk about it now. I need to get picked up ASAP."
Lt. Cambridge: “Who’s Gilgamesh?”
Agent Fritter: “C’mon Cambridge let’s stick to the task at hand.”
Lt. Cambridge: “Be there in 40 minutes Sir.”
Agent Fritter: “40 minutes?!?! Where did you go? Humboldt County?
Lt. Cambridge: “Just yanking your chain..be there in 5.”
Fritter hangs up.
** END SCENE **
Agent Fritter meets up with men at the interrogation spot where the 10 Vietcong are. He immediately gets to business. Out of the 10 members of the VC he chooses the biggest one to interrogate. In his mind the biggest Asian always runs things, so he has to have vital information.
This time we see the interrogation from the very beginning. Fritter opens the door and makes the big Asian sit down. The door closes and we now have a look from the overhead camera.
Agent Fritter: “What’s your name?”
Asian: “They call me Rick.”
Agent Fritter: “Rick huh? Who gave you that name? Newman?”
Asian: “Yes, Newman is our lord.”
Agent Fritter: “Newman is a piece of garbage and my agency is looking to take him in. I need your insider information. I will use enhanced interrogation techniques if you do not comply."
Asian: “Start the questioning.”
Agent Fritter: “Do you know anything about a hot air balloon.”
** The Asians eyes get a little squinty and he begins to become scared **
Asian: “No”
Agent Fritter: “Bull****, tell me the truth or I will make the move.”
Asian: “I’m Rick, I don’t know nothing!"
Agent Fritter: “I warned you and now you’ll pay.”
Fritter pulls out a massive bucket full of pollen. He releases it all over the Asians face. The Asian instantly starts sneezing uncontrollably. It gets so bad they have to call the ambulance to come get him.
Fritter walks out the interrogation room sort of embarrassed. He tells his men that he received strong information, but wanted to go that extra step to get the location of Newman. He calls it a day and goes home for the night to ponder his next move. His men are ordered to keep the Vietcong in the holding cells.
** END SCENE **
Billy Murphy: "Billy Murphy here with a new show called “Around the World.” Around the Horn has been discontinued in honor of the name Woody. The new theme of our show is to talk about issues facing the world. We also made a big change instead of 4 guests we only have 1 guest. Our guest today is none other than BILLY MURPHY. Murphy then shows him on another angle dressed in different clothes. He is running his tape delayed show with the editing tricks on a live feed."
(Murphy #1 = The host)
(Murphy #2 = The commentator)
Murphy #1: “So Billy Murphy…what is your take on the recent Woody Murders?”
Murphy #2: “I came on this show to discuss politics Mr. Murphy. The reason you guys discontinued the old theme was to pay tribute to 4 great Americans.
Murphy #1: “This is my show Billy and I can do what I want. If you’re going to dodge the question I will call you a flip-flopper.
Murphy #2: “I feel disrespected by you Mr. Murphy. I thought you were a man of character and class.
Murphy #1: “Ok well onto another subject…how do you feel about global cooling?
Murphy #2: “Well sir…I feel like global cooling is
Murphy #1 “(interrupts Murphy #2)SHADDDDDDDDUP!
** END SCENE **
Agent Fritter makes a return to Newman’s house. He brings a tranquilizer gun just in case Gilgamesh comes back for more. The house seems silent and every room is searched by Fritter before he goes into the office. Once he gets into the office he sees a huge map on the ceiling that Newman had painted on there. The painting says “Atlantis.” Fritter wonders where this is because Atlantis is a lost world. He looks on the computer to try to get more info. Newman left a typed note for him. It reads:
“So you came back to the house eh? I admire your dedication. The coordinates for Atlantis are the same as Atlanta.”
Fritter hops in a blacked out Corvette and heads toward the military base. He is immediately treated with dignity and given a F-16 Raptor by the Air Force so he can fly to Atlanta. The weather is bad, so he decides to stay the night in the barracks.
The room is dark with a lit candle when we hear Fritter’s phone ring…it’s Lt. Cambridge.
Lt. Cambridge: “Sir you are an M.I.A. I.A.A.”
Agent Fritter: “I’m not M.I.A, I’m going to Atlantis tomorrow. I left you a taped message to view tomorrow morning.”
Lt. Cambridge: “Don’t you mean Atlantic City?”
Agent Fritter: “No.. Atlantis…but it is really just some island near Atlanta.
Lt, Cambridge: “Oh allright, I will speak with you tomorrow.”
Agent Fritter: “That’s doubtful.”
Fritter hangs up the phone. Cambridge goes to sleep eagerly awaiting the video tomorrow.
** END SCENE **
All the I.A.A. agents wake up and are told there is a video from their leader.
Agent Fritter: “Hi guys, if you are viewing this video this may be the last time you see me. I am going on a near suicide mission. I wish all you the best in your future endeavors. If I succeed in this mission I will go down in history as a brave man, if I fail I will go down as a nobody. I will make that decision to live or die when the time comes.”
The agents are all scrambling around and are very upset. They want to know where he is going, but the video was very vague.
Grunt: “Lt. Cambidge, do you know where he is going.”
Lt.. Cambridge: “Sure don’t.”
Cambridge immediately walks away to get coffee. He follows the code of silence among officers to maintain the integrity of the mission.
** END SCENE **
Newman: “Welcome everybody to Atlantis. This is the place where you will prove your loyalty to me. I have a little game for you to play. Gather around this circular table right by the beach."
Carmen San Diego, the Green Ranger, Jay Mariotti, and Gilgamesh all take seats. There is one more seat open in between the Green Ranger and Mariotti.
Green Ranger: “Newman, why is there a 5th seat?”
Newman: “There will be 5th visitor anytime soon making a grand entrance.”
Carmen San Diego: “What game are we playing Newman?”
Newman: “Not the game we were playing in my bedroom the other night that’s for sure. We are playing a game I like to call RUSSIAN ROULETTE.”
Jay Mariotti: “All I wanted was to be on Around the Horn again, I don’t know about all this.”
Newman: “Jay...anyone who comes to me for a hit must join my ranks. We are an umbrella organization. I don’t know what that means, but it sounded right.”
Green Ranger: “An umbrella organization is a company that makes umbrellas.”
Newman: “That’s enough talking guys, silence until our 5th guest comes. Then your fate will be decided by this little pistol."
They end up waiting about 8 hours until everyone awakens to an F-16 Raptor landing right on the beach. It’s Fritter.
Agent Fritter: “Newman…this is the end for one of us. I challenge you to a sword fight.
Newman: “You always did like the sword Fritter, but I have another interesting proposition for you. Actually it’s not a proposition, it’s an order. I won’t shoot down your plane unless you play this game. If you choose to not play I will have to bring out the Big Bertha (Newman pulls out an RPG rocket.)
Agent Fritter: “Ok, ok. I’ll play your little game. What is it?”
Newman: “Russian roulette.”
Agent Fritter (starts gagging): “You’re twisted Newman, what are you trying to prove?”
Newman: “I’m trying to create some loyalty.”
Agent Fritter: “Why cause you’re a mailman? The only thing loyal to you is mail. I know about your wife how she left you with your kids. I know all that. I feel for you. But this does not mean you can risk innocent lives because you’re angry."
Newman: “That’s not it!!! Now take a seat, so your destiny can be reached."
Fritter sits down.
Carmen San Diego is first to go. She pulls the trigger after about 1 minute and no bullet is in there. She starts crying.
The Green Ranger goes next and gets it over with fast. No bullet either.
Now it’s on Agent Fritter.
Agent Fritter: “Hold on everyone, I need to give you a momento to give to my parents if I die.”
Newman: “Stop stalling.”
Agent Fritter: “You no good fat slob, if this is my time to go I want to go in peace.”
Newman: “Fair enough, I will give you 60 seconds to give your final goodbyes.”
Agent Fritter: “My final goodbyes? You rigged the deck!! I knew it!! How can you people follow a man with no morals?"
Newman: “You want to talk about morals? Aren’t you the man who led raids in South America? Or how about the time you looked on while your men stole cheeseburgers at Burger Town? How about that for morals?”
Agent Fritter: NOBODY IS PERFECT NEWMAN!!!
Newman: Time is up, it’s time for roulette.
Fritter takes the gun to his temple, pulls the trigger, and kills himself.
Newman has a look of sorrow on his face. He turns to his new members of the Vietcong and welcomes them in. Everyone is sitting there shocked. Newman walks over to the body and pulls out a mailbag full of mail. He dumps the body at sea in the mailbag; he ends to the scene by saying:
Newman: “I did what I had to do.”
** END SCENE **
Over the next few weeks thing begin to calm down in Seattle. Lt. Cambridge decides to release all the Vietcong and decides to take his men back to headquarters in California. Without Fritter there is a void in the crew, but they seem to be getting along pretty good without him. Billy Murphy went back to hosting Around the Horn and had Jay Mariotti as a guest. Newman and his new followers all moved to Little Saigon.
** END SCENE **
The saga continues as we take a look at the 1 year anniversary of the Woody Murders. Barack Obama is making a speech at 8 o’clock. Around 5 o’clock he places a call to President George W. Cooch.
Barack Obama: “Cooch? How you been?”
George W, Cooch: “Good Barack. What do you need now?”
Barack Obama: “I need to know what happened to Agent Fritter.”
George W. Cooch: “That’s classified information Barack.”
Barack OBama: “I am President of the United States! I deserve to know. I have to give a speech in front of the American public tonight.”
Geore W. Cooch: “Look, you’re not giving a speech tonight.”
Barack Obama: “I am at 8.”
George W. Cooch: “Fritter is giving a speech at 8.”
Barack Obama: “Excuse me…what about me?”
George W. Cooch: “See it’s not all about you. It’s about national security. We do these things for a reason. Someday you’ll understand.”
Barack Obama: “So you’re telling me the deceased Agent Fritter is giving a speech in my time slot.”
George W.Cooch: "That’s right. Let him work his magic. I heard it’s going to be an active night."
Barack Obama: "What do you mean by active night?”
George W. Cooch: "That’s the beauty of being a President. It’s so unpredictable. Goodnight Barack."
Barack Obama: "Allright Cooch, thanks for the pep talk."
** END SCENE **
Its 8 o’clock and the American public are eagerly awaiting President Obama to speak. Around 8:05 Obama is nowhere to be found and the live feed gets interrupted for every major network. There’s a man wearing a Clifford the Big Red Dog mask who’s ready to give the American public a message.
Agent Fritter (in a mask): “Hello America, I am here to help you, not hurt you. You may think I am a terrorist, but I am far from it. The reason I am using their tactics is because I would like to prove a point. The Woody murders have been solved for a long time now; we just can not apprehend the suspect. But I am here to tell you tonight we have not only apprehended the suspect, but we have taken him out once and for all. This guy tried to threaten us with mustard bombs while let’s take a look at the bomb we dropped on him.”
Shows footage from 4 planes all dropping huge buckets of ketchup on Newman’s house. The aftermath is Newman’s house totaled.
Agent Fritter (in a mask): “You see America sometimes you have to make the tough decision and be aggressive. That is what I did and we are a safer nation for that. Thank you all.”
The media starts freaking out wondering who the man behind the mask is. All kinds of speculation from Bin Laden to MacCullay Culkin are thrown out. In the end Fritter keeps his cover.
** END SCENE **
The scene is a hotel room where Agent Fritter and Carmen San Diego are lying on the bed having a conversation.
Carmen San Diego: “I must say that what you have pulled off has been impressive. How are you alive when a bullet went through your head?”
Agent Fritter: “That was not me. I made a clone of myself while staying at the Air Force Base in Washington. However, I let my clone borrow my soul for the day.”
Carmen San Diego: “Wow, you seem to have a powerful soul.”
Agent Fritter: “It is something I developed at a young age. See your body can die, but your soul lives on forever."
Carmen San Diego: "That is so interesting. I’m attracted to guys like you."
Agent Fritter: “What…guys with guns and badges?”
Carmen San Diego: “That too, but I like the part about your soul. I want to get to know you a little better.”
Agent Fritter: “I think you know plenty. What would you like to know?”
Carmen San Diego: “What are your hobbies?”
Agent Fritter: “Shakespeare.”
Carmen San Diego: “Oh, you like to read Shakespeare?”
Agent Fritter: “No I am an actor.”
Carmen San Diego: “WOW! Show me something then!”
Fritter turns around for about 15 seconds to get into character. He turns around quickly and says:
Agent Fritter: “HI! Sully here for the Jupiter Jack. Have you ever wanted to hear your friends voice on the radio on 99.3? Then buy the Jupiter Jack.”
Carmen San Diego starts laughing out loud and then walks over to Fritter to give him a kiss. He seems tense.
Carmen San Diego: “Loosen up Agent… I know tomorrow is a big day and all, but let’s have some fun.
Fritter walks away to the CD player and hits the play button. The Spice Girls song “When 2 become 1” begins playing and Fritter loosens up. They start making out.
** END SCENE **
An older Asian fellow is giving a funeral speech for Newman at the local cemetery. There are around 80 onlookers. They are paying tribute to Newman.
Old Asian Man (With Asian Accent): “Herro everyone. We are here to honor our lord. I would like to start off the ceremony with the ceremonial chant.”
All 80 people begin to chant “VIETCONG MY LORD!!! VIETCONG!!” for the next minute of two. During this chant Carmen San Diego and Agent Fritter roll up in the Miata. Fritter hops out of the passenger seat and pulls out a paintball gun. He starts screaming at the top of the lungs while he is shooting the paintballs. The Asians are not fazed because they are so in the zone chanting “Vietcong!” When they finally get back to reality all they see is a tiny little red car scooting down the road. The license plate says “FrittYou” The ending shows the Asians having a fit over what just happened. The camera zooms in on the tombstone. All you see in red lettering over Newman’s tombstone is the word “FRITTER.”
The Credits Roll and “God Bless America” begins to play in the background.
THE END
http://www.GenerationImagination.com
Last edited by a moderator:
I'd posted this back in 2016, over ten years ago!