pacman000
It’s root bear & a candy cigar!
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Entry for the 2021 Comedy One Shot contest. https://forums.serebii.net/threads/make-me-laugh-–-a-comedy-one-shot-contest.682328/
Saw that I still had this in my messages folder, so I figured I’d post it now instead of later:
Pockemon - The First Gym
(The word "Pockemon" was an early attempt to combine "Pocket" and "Monster" into a single word. It was briefly used in Japan.)
Scene I
(Ash, with Pikachu by his side, enters a large, rock-clad building. It's the Pewter City Gym. He bursts through the doors & stands at the end of an arena which looks like a socker field. The gym leader, Brock, sits crossed-legged at the other end of the arena.)
Ash: I'm Ash from the town of Pallet! I'm on a quest to become the Greatest Pockemon Master! Of All Time! I challenge you to a Pockemon Battle!
Brock: Ok, but I've got to warn you. This isn't a simple trainer vs. trainer match, out in the woods somewhere. This is an official Pockemon League Match. There are rules & regulations-
Ash: Well, I'm ready!
Brock: Ok... but first... Have a doughnut!
Ash: Wha?
(Brock runs to Ash, holding a round box of triangular cakes.)
Brock: I made 'em myself. (Smiling.)
Ash: I thought doughnuts had holes...
Brock: (Defensive) They're...jelly-filled doughnuts. Yeah. That's it.
Ash: Why are they triangular?
Brock: (Shouting) You make doughnuts your way & I'll make 'em my way!
(Brocks stomps back to his side of the gym.)
Ash: (Confused) I'm just saying they don't look like Doughnuts. They look like Danishes. Or Maybe Mocci from Monster Rancher.
Brock: (Cross.) Mocci is round. And he has a duck-bill. Do you want to battle or not?
Ash: Yeah! I'm ready! Go Pikachu!
Pikachu: Pi! Ka! Chu!
(Pikachu steps onto the field, smiling, but with focused, angry-eyes & clinched fists.)
Brock: A Pikachu? Seriously?
Ash: What's wrong with Pikachu?
Brock: Well, for one thing, it's a silly little Pockemon based on a dumpling with ears drawn on it.
Pikachu: Pi!
Ash: So, you're saying it's too cute in this stage to win?
Brock: No. Even if they hadn't cut out Gorochu it still couldn't win. Pikachu only knows electric moves, & electric moves have no effect on rock or ground type Pockemon.
Ash: What? That doesn't make any sense-
Brock: Check your manual-
Ash: I don't need a manual! I'm a big boy who can take care of himself! Isn't that right Pikachu?
(Pikachu looks at Ash, unsure.)
Pikachu: Pi...ka...chu?
Misty: (Calling from off-screen.) Ash...
Ash: Misty?
Misty: Up here!
(Ash looks up. Above the field there's a balcony from which spectators can watch the battle. Misty up there, leaning over the railing, calling to Ash.)
Ash: Misty? How'd you get up there?
Misty: I climbed. Ash! Why don't you use Butterfree? He knows Psychic! That move is strong against Rock Pockemon!
Ash: Would you mind your own business! I don't need advice from some girl! You don't even like bug Pockemon!
Misty: At least I read the instruction manual! (Waves manual over railing.)
Ash: (Angerly. Arms crossed; eyes closed.) Pikachu! Go for it!
Pikachu: Pika... (Steps into the arena, slowly & nervously.)
Brock: Go Onyx!
(Brock throws a small red & white monster ball into the air. It shoots out a bright red beam, which gradually dissolves into a huge Pockemon, a giant snake made from boulders.)
Ash: (Taken back.) Never mind! I forfeit!
(Ash turns to leave, but the doors close & lock in front of him. Pikachu runs to them & desperately tries to pry, push, or pull them open. Ash turns to Brock.)
Brock: Remember those rules & regulations I mentioned? There's no running from an Official League Battle!
Ash: ...This is because I insulted your doughnuts, isn’t it?
Brock: Maybe. Onyx! Body Slam attack!
(The giant snake looms over Ash & Pikachu. It relaxes it's body, allowing it's crushing weight to fall towards them. It lands with a deafening "thud.")
Misty: Oh no!
Brock: Well, that battle ended quickly.
(Misty leaps down from the balcony & lands on her feet beside Brock.)
Brock: Well, hello there. Maybe you'd like to come to my house & make dinner some-AAAAAAHHHHH!
(Misty begins slapping Brock repeatedly.)
Brock: What-What are you doing?
Misty: That kid owed me a new bike! Now he's crushed into jelly! There's no way he'll even pay me back! And Pikachu was cute you big bully!
Ash: Hey! Misty!
(Misty stops slapping Brock. Looks at Ash.)
Misty: Ash? How'd you?
Ash: I dodged Onyx at the last second!
(Pikachu hops up onto Brock's shoulder.)
Pikachu: Pika-chu!
Ash: So did Pikachu!
Pikachu: Pi-Pika!
(Pikachu thunder-shocks Misty & Brock. Both of them faint. Ash runs up to them. He reaches into Brock's vest pocket & pulls out a badge.)
Ash: Come on, Pikachu! Before they wake up!
(Ash starts to run out the door, then stops.)
Ash: This is wrong.
(Ash gently sets the badge down on the floor.)
Ash: If I'm going to win the league, I can't do it by cheating or stealing. I can't just knock a trainer out & grab what I want. I can only take a badge if a gym leader gives it to me fair & square! Come on Pikachu! We have more training to do!
(Ash & Pikachu run out the door, into the blinding sunlight.)
Scene II
(Ash stands in front of an old mill.)
Ash: Well! This looks like the perfect place to train!
(Ash climbs up the old mill's water wheel. Pikachu sits on a cross beam at the top of the wheel, cheering him on.)
Pikachu: Pika-Chu! Pika-Chu! Pika-Chu!
(Ash approaches the top of the wheel.)
Ash: Hey, wait a second, if you're the one who's battling, shouldn't you be the one training?
(The wheel starts to turn, backwards.)
Ash: Whoa!
(Ash falls off the wheel & hits his head.)
Ash: Ow!! Oh man... (Rubs head.) Huh?
Brock: (Walking up.) Hey, you're Ash, right?
Ash: Yeah, but I didn't take anything! I mean I considered it but-
Brock: No, no, no. Here, I wanted to give you this. (Hands Ash a badge.) Go on. You earned it.
Ash: What? No....how?
Brock: Pockemon are supposed to protect their trainers. Mine didn't protect me from your Pikachu. I'm the one who needs to train more, not you.
Ash: Oh... But it still seems wrong somehow.
Brock: Look, I'm giving you the badge, officially, with no strings attached. I'm publicly acknowledging that you defeated an official Pockemon League Gym Leader. Don't you want the badge?
Ash: Yeah!
Brock: Then take it!
(Ash grabs the badge. He leaps into the air.)
Ash: Yeah! I won a badge!
Pikachu: (Making "V" for Victory) Pikachu!
Brock: Ok, ok. Don't get cocky.
Ash: (Bad British accent.) What's the matter gov'nr? Can't take th'loss?
Brock: I said cocky, not Cockney.
Ash: I don't care! I won! I won! I won! My first badge....
Brock: Yep. And you should go get more. Quickly! The nearest is in Cerulean City. Go! Shoo!
Ash: Alright. I'm going. Maybe we'll see each other again someday, like when I win the league.
Brock: Yeah. Maybe. If Hubris doesn't get in your way.
Ash: Hubris? What's that? I haven't heard of that type of Pockemon.
(Pikachu facepalms.)
Brock: Then you should search for it! Go on!
Ash: Ok! Looks like we've got a new mission Pikachu! Go to go the Cerulean Gym & catch a Hubris!
(Ash walks off. Pikachu shakes his head then follows. Misty walks up.)
Brock: Well, I did it. I gave the kid a badge. Why was it so important to you anyways?
Misty: He needs to pay me for my bike. If he has more badges, he can get sponsors.
Brock: Oh? That doesn't sound too convincing to me. You must love him.
Misty: What!? No...
Brock: Really? You're blushing-
Misty: (Shouting) That means nothing!
Brock: Sure. Hey you better hurry up & catch him. You wouldn't want to lose him before he pays you. (Winks.)
Misty: I have plenty of time to catch up. Where's he headed?
Brock: Oh, I think he's headed to Cerulean, to challenge their gym.
Misty: The Cerulean Gym! Oh no!
Brock: (Smiling.) What is it?
Misty: Oh, nothing...Just...
Brock: Yes?
Misty: Oh. It's none of your business anyways!
(Misty stomps off in the direction of Cerulean city. Brock watches her leave. He gets out a cell phone.)
Brock: Hey, Waterflower. Looks like I convinced your little sister to come home. And I think she fould a boy friend. You know if you want one-
(*BING* Brock grimaces as the person on the other line slams their phone down on their receiver.)
Brock: Tough crowd.
(Brock turns & walks back towards his gym. The camera tilts up to the bright blue sky. The image shrinks down to 1/4 its normal size & moves to the top left-hand quarter of the screen. The words "To be continued" appear on the lower right-hand quarter of the screen. Fade out.)
Saw that I still had this in my messages folder, so I figured I’d post it now instead of later:
Pockemon - The First Gym
(The word "Pockemon" was an early attempt to combine "Pocket" and "Monster" into a single word. It was briefly used in Japan.)
Scene I
(Ash, with Pikachu by his side, enters a large, rock-clad building. It's the Pewter City Gym. He bursts through the doors & stands at the end of an arena which looks like a socker field. The gym leader, Brock, sits crossed-legged at the other end of the arena.)
Ash: I'm Ash from the town of Pallet! I'm on a quest to become the Greatest Pockemon Master! Of All Time! I challenge you to a Pockemon Battle!
Brock: Ok, but I've got to warn you. This isn't a simple trainer vs. trainer match, out in the woods somewhere. This is an official Pockemon League Match. There are rules & regulations-
Ash: Well, I'm ready!
Brock: Ok... but first... Have a doughnut!
Ash: Wha?
(Brock runs to Ash, holding a round box of triangular cakes.)
Brock: I made 'em myself. (Smiling.)
Ash: I thought doughnuts had holes...
Brock: (Defensive) They're...jelly-filled doughnuts. Yeah. That's it.
Ash: Why are they triangular?
Brock: (Shouting) You make doughnuts your way & I'll make 'em my way!
(Brocks stomps back to his side of the gym.)
Ash: (Confused) I'm just saying they don't look like Doughnuts. They look like Danishes. Or Maybe Mocci from Monster Rancher.
Brock: (Cross.) Mocci is round. And he has a duck-bill. Do you want to battle or not?
Ash: Yeah! I'm ready! Go Pikachu!
Pikachu: Pi! Ka! Chu!
(Pikachu steps onto the field, smiling, but with focused, angry-eyes & clinched fists.)
Brock: A Pikachu? Seriously?
Ash: What's wrong with Pikachu?
Brock: Well, for one thing, it's a silly little Pockemon based on a dumpling with ears drawn on it.
Pikachu: Pi!
Ash: So, you're saying it's too cute in this stage to win?
Brock: No. Even if they hadn't cut out Gorochu it still couldn't win. Pikachu only knows electric moves, & electric moves have no effect on rock or ground type Pockemon.
Ash: What? That doesn't make any sense-
Brock: Check your manual-
Ash: I don't need a manual! I'm a big boy who can take care of himself! Isn't that right Pikachu?
(Pikachu looks at Ash, unsure.)
Pikachu: Pi...ka...chu?
Misty: (Calling from off-screen.) Ash...
Ash: Misty?
Misty: Up here!
(Ash looks up. Above the field there's a balcony from which spectators can watch the battle. Misty up there, leaning over the railing, calling to Ash.)
Ash: Misty? How'd you get up there?
Misty: I climbed. Ash! Why don't you use Butterfree? He knows Psychic! That move is strong against Rock Pockemon!
Ash: Would you mind your own business! I don't need advice from some girl! You don't even like bug Pockemon!
Misty: At least I read the instruction manual! (Waves manual over railing.)
Ash: (Angerly. Arms crossed; eyes closed.) Pikachu! Go for it!
Pikachu: Pika... (Steps into the arena, slowly & nervously.)
Brock: Go Onyx!
(Brock throws a small red & white monster ball into the air. It shoots out a bright red beam, which gradually dissolves into a huge Pockemon, a giant snake made from boulders.)
Ash: (Taken back.) Never mind! I forfeit!
(Ash turns to leave, but the doors close & lock in front of him. Pikachu runs to them & desperately tries to pry, push, or pull them open. Ash turns to Brock.)
Brock: Remember those rules & regulations I mentioned? There's no running from an Official League Battle!
Ash: ...This is because I insulted your doughnuts, isn’t it?
Brock: Maybe. Onyx! Body Slam attack!
(The giant snake looms over Ash & Pikachu. It relaxes it's body, allowing it's crushing weight to fall towards them. It lands with a deafening "thud.")
Misty: Oh no!
Brock: Well, that battle ended quickly.
(Misty leaps down from the balcony & lands on her feet beside Brock.)
Brock: Well, hello there. Maybe you'd like to come to my house & make dinner some-AAAAAAHHHHH!
(Misty begins slapping Brock repeatedly.)
Brock: What-What are you doing?
Misty: That kid owed me a new bike! Now he's crushed into jelly! There's no way he'll even pay me back! And Pikachu was cute you big bully!
Ash: Hey! Misty!
(Misty stops slapping Brock. Looks at Ash.)
Misty: Ash? How'd you?
Ash: I dodged Onyx at the last second!
(Pikachu hops up onto Brock's shoulder.)
Pikachu: Pika-chu!
Ash: So did Pikachu!
Pikachu: Pi-Pika!
(Pikachu thunder-shocks Misty & Brock. Both of them faint. Ash runs up to them. He reaches into Brock's vest pocket & pulls out a badge.)
Ash: Come on, Pikachu! Before they wake up!
(Ash starts to run out the door, then stops.)
Ash: This is wrong.
(Ash gently sets the badge down on the floor.)
Ash: If I'm going to win the league, I can't do it by cheating or stealing. I can't just knock a trainer out & grab what I want. I can only take a badge if a gym leader gives it to me fair & square! Come on Pikachu! We have more training to do!
(Ash & Pikachu run out the door, into the blinding sunlight.)
Scene II
(Ash stands in front of an old mill.)
Ash: Well! This looks like the perfect place to train!
(Ash climbs up the old mill's water wheel. Pikachu sits on a cross beam at the top of the wheel, cheering him on.)
Pikachu: Pika-Chu! Pika-Chu! Pika-Chu!
(Ash approaches the top of the wheel.)
Ash: Hey, wait a second, if you're the one who's battling, shouldn't you be the one training?
(The wheel starts to turn, backwards.)
Ash: Whoa!
(Ash falls off the wheel & hits his head.)
Ash: Ow!! Oh man... (Rubs head.) Huh?
Brock: (Walking up.) Hey, you're Ash, right?
Ash: Yeah, but I didn't take anything! I mean I considered it but-
Brock: No, no, no. Here, I wanted to give you this. (Hands Ash a badge.) Go on. You earned it.
Ash: What? No....how?
Brock: Pockemon are supposed to protect their trainers. Mine didn't protect me from your Pikachu. I'm the one who needs to train more, not you.
Ash: Oh... But it still seems wrong somehow.
Brock: Look, I'm giving you the badge, officially, with no strings attached. I'm publicly acknowledging that you defeated an official Pockemon League Gym Leader. Don't you want the badge?
Ash: Yeah!
Brock: Then take it!
(Ash grabs the badge. He leaps into the air.)
Ash: Yeah! I won a badge!
Pikachu: (Making "V" for Victory) Pikachu!
Brock: Ok, ok. Don't get cocky.
Ash: (Bad British accent.) What's the matter gov'nr? Can't take th'loss?
Brock: I said cocky, not Cockney.
Ash: I don't care! I won! I won! I won! My first badge....
Brock: Yep. And you should go get more. Quickly! The nearest is in Cerulean City. Go! Shoo!
Ash: Alright. I'm going. Maybe we'll see each other again someday, like when I win the league.
Brock: Yeah. Maybe. If Hubris doesn't get in your way.
Ash: Hubris? What's that? I haven't heard of that type of Pockemon.
(Pikachu facepalms.)
Brock: Then you should search for it! Go on!
Ash: Ok! Looks like we've got a new mission Pikachu! Go to go the Cerulean Gym & catch a Hubris!
(Ash walks off. Pikachu shakes his head then follows. Misty walks up.)
Brock: Well, I did it. I gave the kid a badge. Why was it so important to you anyways?
Misty: He needs to pay me for my bike. If he has more badges, he can get sponsors.
Brock: Oh? That doesn't sound too convincing to me. You must love him.
Misty: What!? No...
Brock: Really? You're blushing-
Misty: (Shouting) That means nothing!
Brock: Sure. Hey you better hurry up & catch him. You wouldn't want to lose him before he pays you. (Winks.)
Misty: I have plenty of time to catch up. Where's he headed?
Brock: Oh, I think he's headed to Cerulean, to challenge their gym.
Misty: The Cerulean Gym! Oh no!
Brock: (Smiling.) What is it?
Misty: Oh, nothing...Just...
Brock: Yes?
Misty: Oh. It's none of your business anyways!
(Misty stomps off in the direction of Cerulean city. Brock watches her leave. He gets out a cell phone.)
Brock: Hey, Waterflower. Looks like I convinced your little sister to come home. And I think she fould a boy friend. You know if you want one-
(*BING* Brock grimaces as the person on the other line slams their phone down on their receiver.)
Brock: Tough crowd.
(Brock turns & walks back towards his gym. The camera tilts up to the bright blue sky. The image shrinks down to 1/4 its normal size & moves to the top left-hand quarter of the screen. The words "To be continued" appear on the lower right-hand quarter of the screen. Fade out.)
